That's funny right there. I don't care who you are...

Hiring Managers Reveal This Year's Most Bizarre Reasons Employees Gave for Missing Work

-- "I'm too drunk to drive to work."
-- "I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."
-- "I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (employee was not
in the medical profession)
-- "I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it
opened."
-- "My boyfriend's snake got loose and I am afraid to leave the bedroom
until he gets home."
-- "I'm too fat to get into my work pants."
-- "God didn't wake me." (employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and
thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready)
-- "I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to
the doctor."
-- "The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."
-- "I forgot I was getting married today."
-- "My cow bit me."
-- "My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard.
His foot fell in and we can't get it out."
-- "I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt
myself."
-- "I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my
back."
-- "My house lock jammed and I'm locked in."

I think I like "I'm too drunk to drive to work" and "I'm too fat to get into my work pants" the best.